Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
