i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
