That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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