She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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