She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
