Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
