what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
