I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
