This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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