I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
