Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
