Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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