my vag is so smooth its legendary
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
