when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
