OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
