there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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