I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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