Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
