alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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