She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
