Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
