I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
