My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
