My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
