This is not my ceiling
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
3pm strippers are depressing
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize