I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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