I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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