I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
