Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
