you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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