chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
