This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
