Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
