the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
we should paint friendship bongs
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