if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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