I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
