Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
