I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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