i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
