i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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