Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
