Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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