You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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