You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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