I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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