it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
