I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
