We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
