Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
