I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Still dying that you shit outside
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize