All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
