im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
