I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
