god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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