And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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