i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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