I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
