i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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