Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
