Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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