life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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