You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
