After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
