That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
